Posted in Mom Life

IF I’m Honest

What do I do when knowing God is always with me isn’t enough? I wake up in the morning feeling this big hole in my life. I don’t want to get up on my day off because what am I getting up for? To sit at my kitchen table and check my bank account? To see I have no money for groceries or to take my daughter to NYC as is our new tradition before Christmas? To remember that my credit card is still in the freezer, so I won’t use it. And I’ve been so disciplined. I haven’t used it in 5 months so I can pay it off. I’ve paid almost a thousand dollars in four months. I’m proud of my discipline but still it doesn’t make me feel better about myself or my situation. I’ve saved $1,000 in my emergency savings account because I really want to buy a small house for us. Trying to save enough for the closing costs. Yet, again, I had to borrow money from it because one of the agencies I’ve been working through is over a month late paying me. So, why should I get out of bed on the day before Christmas?

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My daughter is still sleeping. I have no one to talk to. The apartment is dark. I made a pot of coffee for us. Mainly, for me because she’s 12 and just likes to drink less than half a cup in the morning sometimes.

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I finished reading a great book a couple days ago so now what? I can’t read that and get lost in a story about someone else’s life to get my mind off how bored I am with my own. Without another adult in the house, I just sit down at the kitchen table and start trying to figure out how to make my life better. I get online to see if money has been deposited into my account so I can catch up on my health insurance payments. I check to see if one of the agencies deposited my check early as a Christmas present. I’m wondering when my life is going to get better because I’ve made so many wise financial decisions.

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Why don’t I feel better knowing that God is always with me and he’s moving behind the scenes? He gave me more work this year. He made me the kind of person who doesn’t give up easily. He made me the kind of person who knows I need to get up and do something that reminds me I am strong. Right now, I know the things I need to do but I’m so bored of the same routine. I’m so tired of being alone so much! I feel like who I am is disappearing and I’m the shell of a person walking around the apartment doing things just so I don’t sit on the couch and stare out the window. I feel left behind.

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I’m sick of the loneliness of my job. I’m sick of not having a best friend to talk to regularly. I call my parents way too much. I’m sick of feeling like a robot. When do I get to laugh my ass off and enjoy myself with a group of friends? It doesn’t happen enough! There’s always something to be serious about. Work, ministry at church, paying bills, saving money, doing chores around my apartment, striving to be the best solo mom I can be, trying to find ways to keep my spirits up!

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If I wasn’t sitting here writing this, I would be sitting on the couch praying and waiting to hear from God. I would be telling Him…what would I be telling Him? All the same things I’ve prayed before. I’d be looking at my bible trying to figure out what book I should read that would help me feel better, I’d find something, read it, pray, feel a little peace and be back in the same place. What do I do with myself now? Watch another episode of Blue Bloods? Watch another Christmas movie that has nothing to do with Christmas? Go for a run? Make some pancakes and eggs for my daughter? Try to figure out what I can eat b/c my body is so intolerant to everything?

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I love reading my bible. I do. I feel peace when I read it. I never grow tired of talking to God. I do it everyday off and on because I know he’s there.

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But, I’m sick of the loneliness and waiting.

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And these are the blatantly honest ruminations of a mother who is the only adult in the house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDcTvtuuVU8

Author:

For the last 17 years, I have worked as a Sign Language Interpreter in a variety of settings such as educational, medical, mental health & video relay interpreting. Prior to becoming an interpreter, writing was my passion & in the last 2 years, I've been drawn back to it. Doors have been opening in ways I did not expect. I was miraculously invited to be a part of a Christian Writer's group by a co-worker & now dear friend. After attending two meetings, this friend and I both knew that we were to begin writing a compilation of some sort with all the members of our group. Soon after it was discussed with the group, we began our planning & work on "The Christian Herald". Though we are still in the infancy stages of this new endeavor, we are excited to see what God will be doing through the work He inspired us to do. I'm embracing this time where writing is again being placed in the forefront of my mind and no longer sitting idle on the back burner. The joy I'm experiencing and that need to record my thoughts is fueling my soul. I feel a deep sense of satisfaction but most of all, I am more connected to the one who lead me in this direction.

4 thoughts on “IF I’m Honest

  1. Hello Lady! I’m hearing you!! Persevere…. dig in. I’ve experienced what you’re talking about many times in my life. The going on and on and on. It seems like Gods not doing anything ….. but he is. You know he is deep down, it’s just the waiting seems relentless. Satan works over time the time of year. I want you to stand up, put some Christian music on and dance!!! Sing too and in no time, you’ll feel better. Love you woman!!! You’re daughter is soo funny!!! Enjoy today because it’s all we have. Praying you have a beautiful Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thanks for sharing Angela❤️It sounds like what even married people go through because the answer isn’t in having someone else in your house…I hear and understand the struggle ❤️💞
    Praying you hear His voice today and He propels you into a new season. ❤️❤️❤️Love you. Merry Christmas my dear. I wish we lived closer 💋

    Like

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