Posted in Mom Life

IF I’m Honest

What do I do when knowing God is always with me isn’t enough? I wake up in the morning feeling this big hole in my life. I don’t want to get up on my day off because what am I getting up for? To sit at my kitchen table and check my bank account? To see I have no money for groceries or to take my daughter to NYC as is our new tradition before Christmas? To remember that my credit card is still in the freezer, so I won’t use it. And I’ve been so disciplined. I haven’t used it in 5 months so I can pay it off. I’ve paid almost a thousand dollars in four months. I’m proud of my discipline but still it doesn’t make me feel better about myself or my situation. I’ve saved $1,000 in my emergency savings account because I really want to buy a small house for us. Trying to save enough for the closing costs. Yet, again, I had to borrow money from it because one of the agencies I’ve been working through is over a month late paying me. So, why should I get out of bed on the day before Christmas?

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My daughter is still sleeping. I have no one to talk to. The apartment is dark. I made a pot of coffee for us. Mainly, for me because she’s 12 and just likes to drink less than half a cup in the morning sometimes.

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I finished reading a great book a couple days ago so now what? I can’t read that and get lost in a story about someone else’s life to get my mind off how bored I am with my own. Without another adult in the house, I just sit down at the kitchen table and start trying to figure out how to make my life better. I get online to see if money has been deposited into my account so I can catch up on my health insurance payments. I check to see if one of the agencies deposited my check early as a Christmas present. I’m wondering when my life is going to get better because I’ve made so many wise financial decisions.

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Why don’t I feel better knowing that God is always with me and he’s moving behind the scenes? He gave me more work this year. He made me the kind of person who doesn’t give up easily. He made me the kind of person who knows I need to get up and do something that reminds me I am strong. Right now, I know the things I need to do but I’m so bored of the same routine. I’m so tired of being alone so much! I feel like who I am is disappearing and I’m the shell of a person walking around the apartment doing things just so I don’t sit on the couch and stare out the window. I feel left behind.

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I’m sick of the loneliness of my job. I’m sick of not having a best friend to talk to regularly. I call my parents way too much. I’m sick of feeling like a robot. When do I get to laugh my ass off and enjoy myself with a group of friends? It doesn’t happen enough! There’s always something to be serious about. Work, ministry at church, paying bills, saving money, doing chores around my apartment, striving to be the best solo mom I can be, trying to find ways to keep my spirits up!

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If I wasn’t sitting here writing this, I would be sitting on the couch praying and waiting to hear from God. I would be telling Him…what would I be telling Him? All the same things I’ve prayed before. I’d be looking at my bible trying to figure out what book I should read that would help me feel better, I’d find something, read it, pray, feel a little peace and be back in the same place. What do I do with myself now? Watch another episode of Blue Bloods? Watch another Christmas movie that has nothing to do with Christmas? Go for a run? Make some pancakes and eggs for my daughter? Try to figure out what I can eat b/c my body is so intolerant to everything?

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I love reading my bible. I do. I feel peace when I read it. I never grow tired of talking to God. I do it everyday off and on because I know he’s there.

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But, I’m sick of the loneliness and waiting.

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And these are the blatantly honest ruminations of a mother who is the only adult in the house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDcTvtuuVU8

Posted in Lessons He Taught Me, Palpating Poetry

“I Am From” Poem

I am poem

For the template I used to write this poem, go to freeology.com. It will give you prompts to write certain things you remember about your childhood, details about your family history, smells, things you heard your family say over & over again in your growing up years. When you finish with that, you click on the create button and read your poem. I wrote it in my sketch pad & added some pictures that make me think of my Italian family. The lemon, slice of orange and a hard boiled egg (though in the picture it’s a fried egg–thought that would be easier to make out.) are a tradition my Great-Grandmother, Angelica, brought to America with her after she and her sister came to America as teenagers. My father keeps it going every year on Easter as a way to remember them and to acknowledge that in life, there’s sourness and sweetness. We all go through it. And then, God brings forth new beginnings.