Posted in Mom Life

IF I’m Honest

What do I do when knowing God is always with me isn’t enough? I wake up in the morning feeling this big hole in my life. I don’t want to get up on my day off because what am I getting up for? To sit at my kitchen table and check my bank account? To see I have no money for groceries or to take my daughter to NYC as is our new tradition before Christmas? To remember that my credit card is still in the freezer, so I won’t use it. And I’ve been so disciplined. I haven’t used it in 5 months so I can pay it off. I’ve paid almost a thousand dollars in four months. I’m proud of my discipline but still it doesn’t make me feel better about myself or my situation. I’ve saved $1,000 in my emergency savings account because I really want to buy a small house for us. Trying to save enough for the closing costs. Yet, again, I had to borrow money from it because one of the agencies I’ve been working through is over a month late paying me. So, why should I get out of bed on the day before Christmas?

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My daughter is still sleeping. I have no one to talk to. The apartment is dark. I made a pot of coffee for us. Mainly, for me because she’s 12 and just likes to drink less than half a cup in the morning sometimes.

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I finished reading a great book a couple days ago so now what? I can’t read that and get lost in a story about someone else’s life to get my mind off how bored I am with my own. Without another adult in the house, I just sit down at the kitchen table and start trying to figure out how to make my life better. I get online to see if money has been deposited into my account so I can catch up on my health insurance payments. I check to see if one of the agencies deposited my check early as a Christmas present. I’m wondering when my life is going to get better because I’ve made so many wise financial decisions.

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Why don’t I feel better knowing that God is always with me and he’s moving behind the scenes? He gave me more work this year. He made me the kind of person who doesn’t give up easily. He made me the kind of person who knows I need to get up and do something that reminds me I am strong. Right now, I know the things I need to do but I’m so bored of the same routine. I’m so tired of being alone so much! I feel like who I am is disappearing and I’m the shell of a person walking around the apartment doing things just so I don’t sit on the couch and stare out the window. I feel left behind.

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I’m sick of the loneliness of my job. I’m sick of not having a best friend to talk to regularly. I call my parents way too much. I’m sick of feeling like a robot. When do I get to laugh my ass off and enjoy myself with a group of friends? It doesn’t happen enough! There’s always something to be serious about. Work, ministry at church, paying bills, saving money, doing chores around my apartment, striving to be the best solo mom I can be, trying to find ways to keep my spirits up!

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If I wasn’t sitting here writing this, I would be sitting on the couch praying and waiting to hear from God. I would be telling Him…what would I be telling Him? All the same things I’ve prayed before. I’d be looking at my bible trying to figure out what book I should read that would help me feel better, I’d find something, read it, pray, feel a little peace and be back in the same place. What do I do with myself now? Watch another episode of Blue Bloods? Watch another Christmas movie that has nothing to do with Christmas? Go for a run? Make some pancakes and eggs for my daughter? Try to figure out what I can eat b/c my body is so intolerant to everything?

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I love reading my bible. I do. I feel peace when I read it. I never grow tired of talking to God. I do it everyday off and on because I know he’s there.

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But, I’m sick of the loneliness and waiting.

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And these are the blatantly honest ruminations of a mother who is the only adult in the house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDcTvtuuVU8

Posted in Mom Life, Photo Inspiration, Things That Make My Brain Happy

Take Care of Yourself In Order To Care For Others

 

Hi everyone, today is the day to share with you some images I took at the park a couple weeks ago.  I love the views at this particular park I just stumbled upon.  It was so serene and beautiful I felt a entranced by the lighting, the slow movement of the water, the birds chirping and just the peaceful feeling of the place.  Maybe you need to feel that calm right now. Have you had a week like mine possibly?  Maybe your son or daughter is at that age where they’re giving you some pushback, trying to assert themselves too much or speaking to you like you couldn’t possibly know a thing from all your life experience.  It’s tiring, isn’t it? Lord, help us with our children!  I keep asking him for instruction on how to deal with a preteen who is goofy & affectionate and then insolent & angry because I tried to make conversation when her song was on in the car.  I find myself thinking a lot, “Is this what I was like?” and “I don’t remember acting like this at eleven.”

Life can be a lot like a rollercoaster, can it not?

roller coaster ride
Photo by Angie on Pexels.com

The photos at the top of my blog post remind me to slow down, breathe, be still & know who God is, to turn off the TV, computer, cell phone, radio, podcasts, whatever… And to allow God to relax me with His views.  That first picture on the top reminds me to keep walking down the straight and narrow path and to keep following Him. It’s peaceful and brilliant.  I can remember hope and wonder filling my lungs as I explored the path; getting stronger with each step.  Ahhh, I love that relaxation I get when I’m outside.

It’s important to make time to take care of ourselves so we’re restored when we return home.  Like I did that day I went for a walk at a new park and shot these photos. We’re able to respond better to the challenges there when we take some time to breath and be alone with Him.  And if we can squeeze some time in to exercise, man, is that helpful!!  I went to the gym today and came back feeling like I could conquer anything.  Or do something artistic while listening to a great Christian book or a sermon.. I love it.  It calms my soul.  When I make the time, I don’t feel like I’ve completely lost myself in everyone else’s needs because I had that time I needed to be God’s daughter.

Sometimes, the stress of being a parent can leave us feeling like that one photo up top with the 2 gnarly trees.  Those 2 trees interest me because of their uniqueness.  They’re not your average trees.  They look a little complicated like our thoughts when kids test us and we’re trying to quickly figure out the best way to straighten things out. When things start to get complicated and you find the right time to sneak off and get with God, that’s not a selfish thing, that’s a necessary thing.  I know that about myself.  My time with God will lead me to feeling like that last picture on the right.  See the peaceful waters? I need the peaceful waters for a little while before I jump back in.

We all do.